I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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