we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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