grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
