My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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