dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize