I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
