I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
