He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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