I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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