how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
