Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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