it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
