Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
