new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If I had your ass I would rule the world
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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