I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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