i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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