the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
