Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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