Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The beer is more important than you right now.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
is that a dick in a sweater?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
