i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
