Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
