i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
