My room smells like vodka and shame
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This baby is an asshole
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
