guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
