What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
