Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
