just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
