Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
