I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
