Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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