i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
