3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
