the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
