captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize