what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i think i just lost a toe
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
