He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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