It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
