Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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