Ambien. No doubt about it.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
