I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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