mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
