one two three fourrrrnication!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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