at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
