can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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