Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
