I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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