hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
