broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
