Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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