Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
