I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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