i'm signing you up for texting rehab
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize