Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
