Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
