Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
