upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he laminated a picture of his dick.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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