I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
