Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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