I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
