I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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