Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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