I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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