If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You work out of a Hotel?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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