my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
