She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
